The Ouya That Gave STDs 2: Battle Against the Patriarchy
Introduction
Hello, my name is Jonathan Complex Name the Third, and I am a wealthy, self-proclaimed Japanese Citizen that was born in some rich country in Europe. However, everyone knows that I am truly a Japanese man, since I grew up on Chinese cartoons as a kid. Due to plot conveniences, I just happened to stumble upon a mysterious phone that I mysteriously decided to pick up and keep. This mysterious decision changed my fate forever.
The Data in the Phone
When I turned on the phone, it mysteriously had no passcode to access its contents. I quickly got to the home screen, and saw that it had some new messages. The messages claimed to be from an alien from the future. It claimed that there was a dangerous device that was the incarnation of the patriarchy and that it would fuck humanity up the ass. This device was called the Ouya. Learning this, I was immediately spooked. I needed to go and alert Queen Sarkeesian immediately about this danger.
Warning Sarkeesian about the patriarchy
I was too late. When I arrived at Castle of Inclusiveness to warn the Queen, I saw her sitting in front of a screen with a small silver box beside it. Usually, I would expect her to be reading some yaoi fanfictions or taking sadistic pleasure in watching men cry, but this time was mysteriously different. There were hyper realistic tentacles on the screen. Even worse, there was a naked woman within those tentacles. Why would she engage with this sexist, racist, bigoted, and degenerate fap material.
Then it hit me.
I had just spotted the patriarchy. The letters on that silver box spelled "Ouya". "Oh, shit", I thought out loud. However, before I could yell "Rape Culture!", I found myself caught by the royal guards for breaking the Political Correctness laws by saying "shit". This gave me a sentence of 100 years in prison.
The patriarchy needs to be stopped
Fortunately, the prison cell that I was put in conveniently had a weakness, which led to one of the walls of the cell crumbling down easily. This was my chance to finally clear my name and become the ultimate white knight cuck. "I will stop the patriarchy," I thought to myself, while grabbing a Glock that was conveniently placed on the ground outside my cell.
I made my way to the main part of the castle, and hoped that the Queen was still there. The sight was a highly unpleasant one. I saw hyper realistic corpses everywhere, with their bodies in sexual positions. It was clear to me now:
Death by yaoi
Would this be what would become of me? Would my life end by losing my virginity to another man?
Fanfiction.net
This was the patriarchy's effect on men. It wasn't rape, since men can't experience rape. However, it was torturing us with making yaoi fanfics (that were totally not written by teenage fangirls, because y'know, patriarchy) become a reality.
This was bad.
I could start to feel the power of shounen ai compel me. However, I just needed to make it to the room where the Queen was, and defeat the Ouya to end this all. I was starting to feel hyper realistic bare men's chests rub against me. I needed to get out of here as fast as possible.
Battle against the Patriarchy
When I got to the room where the Queen was, I noticed the rape culture right away. I could see all the hyper realistic tentacles emitting from the small machine, and it was spooky. I could see the tentacles advancing towards me and the Queen, who was screaming in fear. Then I remembered:
"Oh yeah, I have a fucking gun."
I pulled out my Glock and shot the Ouya. It fell to the ground, but managed to say a few words:
"You may have defeated one of us, but there is still much more of the patriarchy left. We'll never stop until all women and minorities are oppressed."
The Ouya exploded and I felt like a badass.
The Conclusion
Even though I defeated the Ouya and saved the Queen, I was still punished for perpetuating the Damsel in Distress trope. I was sentenced to prison for 500 years for this. Now, I sit in my prison cell, suffering from yaoi syndrom caused by the Ouya. Beware of the ouya, I will send a copy of this note back in time via a D-mail app in the mysterious phone that I miraculously still own for unknown reasons. I might die soon if I do not feel the embrace of a man. I am lonely and looking for a fun time, so if any of you guys want to drop by...
This note was found beside the corpse of Jonathan Complex Name the Third. We suspect that he died from a lack of gay sex. He also may have died to add to the spook factor of his story.